Attack of the Hand Held Devices

Mary Ian McAteer, MD, FAAP

Private practice pediatrician

Indianapolis, Indiana

I am all for establishing screen time rules for children, but how about screen time rules for parents?  Every day I see instances where my families have their devices situated between themselves and real life experiences in front of them.  They are busy texting as they walk into the office. They ask me to “hold on” while they take a more important call. Occasionally, they even Google a diagnosis or medication while we are discussing it in the exam room.

It is not just children that are glued to their devices. Parents seem equally unable to disconnect.  The image of a family walking through the park talking to each other and taking in the scenery has been replaced by a baby in the stroller tapping away at his iPad, a parent bent over a phone balanced on the handles, the other parent walking beside them chatting away on a Bluetooth. 

Our children learn to communicate by watching and imitating their parents.  It is heartbreaking to see a family out for dinner, what should be a shared family experience, and instead, everyone is intently interacting with their own personal device. This is a missed opportunity both for shared family time but also to teach and model appropriate social interactions for a child. Conversations are difficult enough without being distracted by a smartphone and interrupted by devices beeping, ringing and vibrating. 

Children first learn the rules of polite social interactions from their parents, but even older children and teens need these behaviors reinforced. Unfortunately, it seems that for many parents having a quiet child at a restaurant is the goal and if that is more easily achieved by handing him a smartphone or an iPad many parents see that as a “win.”

But, these same parents are surprised and frustrated when their children don’t know how to sit quietly in the pediatrician’s office while their parents try to have a conversation with their doctor. Or, they don’t know how to look a person in the eye when they are asked a question.  Yet, is it really surprising? How should these children know how to interact if those modeling behavior for them seem constantly distracted by a device and don’t look them in the eye when speaking.  Couple this with the fact that almost all of their opportunities to learn and practice social interaction have been eliminated or smoothed over by handing them a device?

I would argue that even on long car rides or tournaments, where these devices seem very handy, that it is in fact better to use these opportunities to engage each other in creative conversation or word games to pass the time -- together.

As a member of the older generation of pediatricians, I accept the positives of constant connectedness and the relationship building potential of social media.  I am getting used to it and enjoy connecting with more people than ever, even with cool emoticons.  But I see the need to encourage our younger generation of parents to slow down a little and use trusted ways of teaching communication and social development.  They should take the time to enjoy the spontaneity of childhood, dedicate time to fully participate in face-to-face discussions, turn off distractions when a task needs to be accomplished or an experience simply shared.  This can be a slow, sometimes painful process, but it needs to be prioritized in this fast paced, glamorous world of multi-media society.

A New Year’s Resolution – Phone Etiquette For Our Children

Cori Cross, MD, FAAP

It seems that every year it becomes more common to see younger and younger children walking around with cell phones.  Seeing six and seven year olds with an iPhone is hardly a novelty nor is watching older tweens and teens totally ignoring the world around them while they text like it is an Olympic sport.

One blogger mom took a novel approach when she gave her 13 year-old son an iPhone this Christmas.  The present came with a set of rules and conditions. She laid out what was expected of him and even more importantly she gave him guidelines for proper etiquette.

But what is proper etiquette? For my generation, having good manners was something that parents were expected to instill in their children and everyone knew what good manners were.  We were taught to look someone in the eye when speaking, to give someone your full attention, to not interrupt, to keep quiet if you don’t have something nice to say, and not to gossip or spread rumors.  We were also taught to be modest, not to brag, to respect others privacy, and to be on even better behavior when we were out to dinner or in a public place. 

It seems that for many parents the addition of cellphones into the family paradigm has allowed all semblance of good manners to vanish.  It may be that today there is no universally accepted standard of proper etiquette. This causes many parents not to realize how rude certain behavior is until their children have adopted it. Even worse, when trying to extinguish this behavior in their children, parents often become uncomfortably aware that they are in fact modeling that same behavior.

It may be that as a society we are in desperate need of an Emily Post. Someone to clearly state a set of rules that parents can enforce with their children so that as families and as a society we don't become experts at interacting in a virtual world but inept when it comes to knowing how to behave in the actual world.  For me as a mother, that list would look something like this:

• ·      Don't answer your phone while in the middle of a conversation with an actual person. You can call the person back. You don’t need to be accessible at every second. If it is an emergency, then say so to the person to whom you are speaking, “Excuse me. I hate to be rude but my mom is calling and I really should answer it.”
• ·      Look at a person when talking to them.  Don’t carry on a conversation while you continue to text or stare at your phone.
• ·      Leave your phone in your pocket or bag when out to eat. Don’t place it on the table as if someone more important than the person in front of you may call at any instant.
• ·      Don’t even think about bringing your phone to the dinner table when you’re at home.
• ·      Turn the ringer off when you enter a restaurant or other quiet public place. This is why the phone has a vibrate feature.
• ·      If you need to take a phone call while out to eat, step outside. This is more polite and will remind you that you are there with someone else who is waiting for you.
• ·      Don’t forward along hurtful or gossipy information or photos.
• ·      Think before you speak, text, post or forward anything.
• ·      Don’t post every mediocre accomplishment or thought you have during the day. 
• ·      Lastly, a word of advice, spend your time actually doing things, don’t waste it documenting your life for all to see as if you are some B-list reality star. 

Words Matter: Countering the Culture of Disrespect

Jeanine Swenson, MD, FAAP, FACC, LMFT

 Things seem to be changing quickly in our world. Gradually obscenities have crept into interactions and our ever-expanding culture.  Many of us value freedom of speech as an individual right, and this may have hindered any discussions regarding possible downsides or meaning to this interactive trend. What, if anything, does it imply for our collective future? 

Our language, rooted in Latin, contains almost one million words.  Certainly lack of word choice cannot be the problem. But it is just a few four-lettered utterances; why should we worry?

Our nation is one of the top three in the world in population and is becoming more crowded, hectic and urbanized. We must adapt quickly to changes in our demographics. In our communities, things have sped up and we may not have the same kind of time for connecting and truly knowing our neighbors. It’s hard to appreciate the effects of stress when it is part of your everyday life. 

Like water we drink or air that we breathe, stress just seems to be part of our 21^st century landscape. How much of our language is a symptom of our times and the extreme pressure and complexity of modern life today?

On an interpersonal level, speech and self-expression reflect one’s thoughts, feelings, education and upbringing and this output is highly visible to the world.  Don’t we want this manner of communicating to be as positive and complimentary as possible? 

Sadly, I have long discussions with my teenage children about whether certain four-letter words are even obscenities because they have become so commonplace and accepted.  To prove his point, this week my son pointed out two four-letter words printed in a chapter book intended for seven to twelve-year-old readers. 

Many would suggest that this dissemination of foul language could be the harbinger of more serious cultural decline. The phrase “culture of disrespect” was coined by Dr. David Walsh in his 2004 novel entitled, “Why Do They Act That Way? A survival guide to the adolescent brain for you and your teen.”  In dissecting the negative impact of violent media content to which Americans are increasingly being exposed, Dr Walsh proclaims, “the most important effect of this diet of violent behavior, in my opinion, isn’t actual violent behavior but the culture of disrespect it has created and nourished.”  Speech and language is one of mechanisms by which this culture of disrespect is replicated and propagated. We must be concerned when even the smallest mouths are talking up a blue streak.

Like any significant behavioral change, any improvement in language is going to take collective effort from all concerned individuals and caring adults.  But, I ask you, where are the caring adults? 

Obscenities have seeped into many aspects of our mass media including music, magazines, movies, and television and seem to be aimed disproportionately toward the most impressionable minds.  But the time is now to start countering these messages. 

One of the most effective ways to show disapproval of anything in a capitalistic society is to stop buying it.  Ultimately it is the consumer who wields the power and decision-making ability. By showing disapproval and offense at the hurling of these vulgarities, each individual can do his or her part to discontinue one aspect of this growing culture of anger and disrespect.

Sadly I have no answers here, only questions?  Who will enact change?   Certainly, our children deserve a culture of respect, and I for one am willing to do the work necessary to change it.  Are you?