Jeanine M.
Swenson, MD, FAAP, FACC, LMFT
First we
have the recent school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown,
Connecticut that caused a large wound in our national sense of safety and
security. It is still hard to accept
that this has happened because it is so atrocious and violent. Twenty innocent children and six dedicated
school professionals are dead, along with the perpetrator’s loving mother, and
we will probably never know the complete story or the basis for this heinous
crime. Now we have the Boston Marathon
and its aftermath. These horrific events throw our rational, secure world
completely out of whack.
Each
person’s grief process will be unique, depending on your proximity to the
people and events, but I find myself looking for hope and ways to enact change
in the aftermath of these tragedies to move beyond the crisis. I have two dreams here. One is that we can somehow make some kind of
lasting change to slow the rate of these events from happening. Each tragedy affects countless families and
has reverberating effects for generations. Can we, as a nation, move from the
initial steps of feeling and debate, to the next phase of action and motion? And second, and this is a big wish, is that I
would like my children to live in a world that is slightly less violent than
the one we are experiencing today.
We care
deeply about children and families in this country and yet despite this are
still unable as a Nation to work together to discuss ways in which we can enact
change to bring about a safer, less violent society. Passionate people quickly
join the debate and reflexively pick the well-worn and polarized sides of a
rehearsed debate. Just like a married
couple, each entrenched position spouts off their rehearsed responses to gun
violence (for or against) or terrorism. They don’t even need to listen to the
other’s positions or concerns. They
almost know what the other side is going to say as they have heard it hundreds,
or thousands of times before. And once again, we have deadlock and nothing
changes as each side recharges for the next episode. It is an endless positive feedback loop of
more, more, more. And surely there will be a next episode because nothing was
resolved and nothing was changed. As
pediatricians and as parents, we need to take a step back and try to end this
loop.
How do we
tone down the activated emotions, just a little, to let complexity and reason
enter the discussion? Notice that I said
discussion, not debate. Debates have
winners and losers, and discussions can be much more fruitful with each person
feeling a benefit. How do we get this
engaged but deadlocked couple to relax so listening, empathy and ultimately change
can happen?
My
suggestions for nonviolent or “fair” fighting involve four straightforward
issues. First, it may be helpful to point out that it is not about winning or
competition. This is not a battle; it is a discussion and a relationship that
involves completely different rules and guidelines. Starting at some level of
agreement is extremely helpful. A slow
and purposeful language shift away from any adversarial words that invoke
strong feelings needs to take place (important notice: this is the opposite of
what generally happens in the press as some use feelings and strong vocabulary
to encourage engagement).
Thus, the
number one pillar is no hurting, stay away from direct criticism, character
annihilation, or areas of previous hurt.
Pillar number
two is about listening openly and quietly so all perspectives can be expressed
and heard.
The first
two pillars can be supported by the third, the learned habit of providing
balanced feedback. Feedback can convey appreciation for the other’s opinion.
And lastly,
staying in the conversation and working toward an end, conclusion or action is
the final step. We need to keep the end goal in mind and to stay on topic just
long enough that both sides feel that their thoughts and feelings have been
heard and that some negotiation or agreement has been reached. If we can focus on the end goal of building a
safer, less violent society rather than trying to win the debate, we can as a
Nation move forward. This is a big wheel
and big wheels turn very slowly, so patience to persevere in the face of minor
disappointment is paramount to see things through to a positive end.
We as
pediatricians, communicators and parents need to lead by example in these
discussions to help move them forward.
We need to push for these debates to become discussions both at the
local and National level. It is only
when we can break this loop that we can begin to find areas of compromise and
change because one thing we can all agree on is that a safer, less violent
society is something we would all like for our children.
